Here we go again. I am familiar now with the cycle of emotions. The dread of anticipation, the anxiety that accompanies the departure, and the slogging through each day as you mark off the calendar. I protect myself from drive by news broadcasts-the ones that announce a bombing or fatalities with no information.” Today in Afghanistan a suicide attack resulted in ISAF casualties.” What? Where? Afghanistan is a big country….
I spend time on my knees-a lot of time on my knees. I start walking again- purposefully walking to shut out the fears that creep in when I let my guard down. Because I must keep my guard up. I must be intentional to use my will to power forward and stay strong. I make time to create. Something in that process calms my soul. And I find time to look for joy-whether it is a view outside my window or a silly kitten video.
You do not get “used ” to deployments. You gut it out, embrace the suck, and power through them. Nothing will be the same until my child is on American soil again. I will walk with a heavier step, breathe more shallowly, and react more quickly. It is just the way it is.
My job is to keep moving forward step by step, day by day, and keep those letters and care packages flowing. I will store his stuff, watch over his truck, and take care of any personal business he can’t manage. I will pray without ceasing. I will fly a yellow ribbon, knit and pray, and keep my phone on ALL the time. It’s what we mommas of the military do. But I don’t have to like it, and I will NEVER get used to it.